Surviving online sexual abuse

Content: child sexual abuse, online grooming, technology-facilitated sexual abuse, coercion

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What happened

I feel like generally when I grew up online gender-based violence wasn’t considered “as bad” as anything that happened in person.  

I was groomed by multiple men; I was probably between the ages of 10-13 ish. It was a friend group. And the only time I ever went to one of the other people within that friend group and told him what had been happening he told me it was “drama”, and he didn’t care. 

I was told by one of them he would kill himself if he didn’t see me naked.  

I was exposed to explicit images as “examples” of what they wanted of me, and they would incessantly contact me to talk about horrific sexual topics. 

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The impact

I couldn’t physically look at myself, having a shower made me feel shameful. I cried a lot. I hated my body and the fact that it didn’t feel like it was mine, I felt like I was just a thing to those people.  

I have heard some people say things along the line of “isn’t it better that it wasn’t in person” but that is such a disgusting point to even attempt to make. Sure, they lived in a different country to me, but with how involved online spaces are within our day-to-day life even a decade ago you could never escape it, there was no safe place. You couldn’t escape these people if you are online, they would just find you. Even after I made a new account. I blocked them and they just found me again. 

I felt entirely responsible for these people’s emotions and lives, and if I stopped talking to them, they said they would take their own life, self-harm, or do other horrific things. The weight of that burden was unbearable as a child. 

I felt like it was all my fault, and I somehow deserved it, and the burden of responsibility made me feel like I couldn’t just leave.  

I don’t know if it was because this happened online, but I constantly felt watched by all cameras and screens. I felt so paranoid about getting changed and just showering and that someone might be watching me through a mirror, a window or a keyhole. I lived in constant fear. 

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Identity

For an incredibly long time I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to be because of the significant impact those people had on me. And by that, I mean I am an assigned female at birth trans person, but I didn’t feel like I was able to transition or even explore my own identity safely specifically because of the pressure I felt to be a cis-gender girl for men who threatened violence against trans people, which I thought would include me.  

I also couldn’t understand my sexuality; they groomed me into kinks such as DDLG (Daddy Dom Little Girl – a sexual relationship dynamic often with a dominant male “daddy” and a submissive female “little girl”) and other paraphilia and it took me such a long time to realise that this stuff was not okay for anyone to be engaging in let alone exposing a child to it. 

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Where I am now

As I have gotten older, I have been able to understand myself, my identity, and I was able to finally stop hating my body. Realising I was trans obviously did help the discomfort I felt socially and about my body a lot but genuinely being able to feel like my body is my own and for absolutely nobody else really helped me heal. I also realised my sexuality in my own time and on my own terms which was massive for me. 

This is obviously my personal experience, but you are not alone if you ever found it difficult to understand how you feel about your body, your social identity, and your sexuality or relationships with other people because of your experiences of sexual based violence, no matter what your experience is. But being able to finally overcome this horrible fog and being able to see clearly who you genuinely want to be, not influenced by anyone else’s opinion, and taking that first breath as you was the most incredible sense of relief I have ever felt. 

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Positives in my life

I can also safely say I do have a couple of friends online who are some of the loveliest people I have ever met, I have known them for years and I don’t know where I would be without them. Generally, my experience felt incredibly isolating, but I did find out a few online friends had similar experiences to me. Knowing I wasn’t alone meant so much to me. I stopped feeling crazy. 

I am aware people who read this may not be trans or queer and can’t relate to that experience specifically. But something that I hope every single survivor of sexual based violence is the lifting of the burden that your experience has had on you, and being able to not just survive, but live and not have it impact your every thought, feeling and action.  

You are not alone, you deserve support, and you deserve to live freely. 

If you’ve been impacted by any kind of sexual violence, online or in-person, we’re here to listen, believe and support you.