A great blog by Lola
Talking about sensitive issues
Allowing my vulnerability to be expressed in not easy for me. I have had a lifetime of wearing my suit of armour, protecting my emotions and using coping mechanisms to live on this earth. I don’t find living in this world easy. I can feel like an alien – visiting or being behind a film crew directing the shoot. My coping mechanisms have been far from healthy as a whole. This was not a deliberate strategic move on my part. Unconsciously I just seemed to resonate towards the dangerous and risk takers. Hence drugs became my faithful friend, my lover and space ship to take me back to my planet where I belong.
At one point in my life i would advertise for my services in phonebooths around Brighton. Every day i would have to do the rounds outside the train station and other popular places. It was all I could do to feed my greedy habit. One of my coping mechanisms was ‘fantasy’. So I very skilfully managed to turn this whole period of time as some kind of fantasy. I justified doing it as ‘at least I was only hurting myself’. No victims as a result to get the money i needed each day. I saw myself as a sex therapist – on some level this was true. Many of the men I saw had confidence issues, they were terrified when it came to women. Their insecurities around their ‘size’ prevented them from chatting up women. Some lived a reclusive life.
When I look back at those days, weeks, months… my mind only remembers the regular clients who bought me dresses, who treated me like a princess. I smile at the memory of the hot guy who owned sports cars and loved being playful. Playing hide and seek in his big house. I have strategically chosen the early days of my escorting days when the balance was in place.
The mind is an incredible world which has only just started to be explored. We use only 7-8% of it, or so they say. my mind managed to rub out those hideous days at the end where I worked from home. I couldn’t get the balance right between too much crack (to keep me high) and heroin (to smooth out the edges of reality). I was starting to lose my ability to stay in character all night. Lola would slip away and Lisa would talk (or cry, or run!)
I am opening up about this because after 15 years I have had to start getting some professional help to assist me in navigating my healing. I put everything in a steel box, behind a locked gate with chains wrapped around everything. I have only just discovered that this doesn’t work FOREVER. Living life and engaging in human experiences has meant that I need to learn how to have a healthy relationship. Unless I address these issues I will remain a prisoner of my own delusion.