I think difficult life events are easier to come to terms with if you have an explanation for why they happened. For example, if a loved one becomes ill, you want to know the reason why or if there is an accident, you want to know what caused it. Finding a reason for why the abuse happened to you may not help, or it may help, like it did for me. However, finding a reason for why the abuse happened is very hard and every situation is different.
Towards the end of counselling, I felt I needed to have an explanation as to why he did what he did and why I reacted the way I did in the situation. I put together a theory for his actions taking in account his personality and his situation in life, as I knew him very well. This wasn’t an easy thing to do and I had to look at him from a detached and logical point of view. By coming up with a reason why he did those things, I wasn’t justifying his actions in any way, just making sense of it. I will never know if my theory is the correct one, but I had a big sense of relief once I had decided on it. The other part for me was to understand my part in it and for that I had to do some research into children’s sexual development and responses.
When I finally understood why I behaved in the way I did and that it was natural and normal for a child of that age, I could completely believe that none of it was my fault. And having a theory for his actions, made me stop asking myself why did it happen? And not having to answer that question anymore gave me peace inside. I still hurt and cry from what happened to me, but knowing why has really helped.