The cold in me warm

From the gentlest touch,

A sign that things transform

When you don’t overthink so much.

I can let someone in because

My presence is now whole,

Each layer is only thin

But I feel in control.

I’ve no idea where this is leading

But after all I’ve endured,

My automatic response is no longer reading;

I’ve emotionally matured?

I’ve allowed myself to be heard

Now I’m familiar with self-worth.

I don’t feel like life is blurred

Because I’m really present on this earth

No warning and I’m gone

My bulletproof walls shoot up

All-encompassing numbness

Triggering my total indifference.

Insular is taken to a new level;

I feel trapped by other people’s presence.

I’m missing emotion,

I’m lacking thought.

In that moment there is nothing

At all.

Other people’s betrayal pinching frangible skin,

They must have no idea how hard you’re trying to win.

Unintentional bitterness trickling around in veins,

Ready to surface and distort any pain.

Constant twisting of emotional expression,

But having said that this is still progression.

Disillusioned and desperate

Although not in a scrabbling sense,

I’m well seasoned in dissociating

To avoid making new dents.

The present less current than the past,

As I struggle to convince myself to re-ground

Back into living at last.

Realisation dawns as I attempt a soothing speech:

The ‘now’ feels bleak,

The past feels painful,

And the future too far out of my reach.

I comfortably sit in my muted version of existence

Where suicidal thoughts require my resistance.

SARSAS has helped me manage the pain

But what pulls me back time and time again

Is knowing that I have too much to lose

And that ultimately I do still get to choose.