The cold in me warm
From the gentlest touch,
A sign that things transform
When you don’t overthink so much.
I can let someone in because
My presence is now whole,
Each layer is only thin
But I feel in control.
I’ve no idea where this is leading
But after all I’ve endured,
My automatic response is no longer reading;
I’ve emotionally matured?
I’ve allowed myself to be heard
Now I’m familiar with self-worth.
I don’t feel like life is blurred
Because I’m really present on this earth
No warning and I’m gone
My bulletproof walls shoot up
Triggering my total indifference.
Insular is taken to a new level;
I feel trapped by other people’s presence.
I’m missing emotion,
I’m lacking thought.
In that moment there is nothing
Other people’s betrayal pinching frangible skin,
They must have no idea how hard you’re trying to win.
Unintentional bitterness trickling around in veins,
Ready to surface and distort any pain.
Constant twisting of emotional expression,
But having said that this is still progression.
Disillusioned and desperate
Although not in a scrabbling sense,
I’m well seasoned in dissociating
To avoid making new dents.
The present less current than the past,
As I struggle to convince myself to re-ground
Back into living at last.
Realisation dawns as I attempt a soothing speech:
The ‘now’ feels bleak,
The past feels painful,
And the future too far out of my reach.
I comfortably sit in my muted version of existence
Where suicidal thoughts require my resistance.
SARSAS has helped me manage the pain
But what pulls me back time and time again
Is knowing that I have too much to lose
And that ultimately I do still get to choose.